Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   sometimes I think something and I'm like, "that would be a good Facebook Status update." This is not one of those.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   hippies want to save the trees, but they love to read books

   thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?