Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.

   just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 25 miles of your zip code, check it out!! www.eharmony.com

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   Did I study? Nah. Did I buy a fancy pencil? You better beleive it.

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   You're dating my ex? I ate a sandwich earlier, you want those leftovers too?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   Somewhere Brett Favre just throw his remote at a tv....and it was intercepted..

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working