Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   Did I study? Nah. Did I buy a fancy pencil? You better beleive it.

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.