Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   The GOLDEN rule in my house is...IF it's funny your not in trouble.

   A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working