Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   People are saying the voting age should be 16. Twilight won 9 teen shoice awards. You really want them voting for the next president?

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.