Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   I cant stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. "Yeah he's 29 months old", B$tch don't make me do math.

   All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.

   Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

   wishes he could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   Be nice to your neighbors. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream

   I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.