Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   People are saying the voting age should be 16. Twilight won 9 teen shoice awards. You really want them voting for the next president?

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   I cant stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. "Yeah he's 29 months old", B$tch don't make me do math.

   All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.

   Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.