Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes