Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?