Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"

   thinks instead of asking why your dog eats out of your cat's litter box, maybe you should be asking why your cat is pooping delicious treats!

   The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

   Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!

   The best part of being me is that I'm not you...

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   Jogging is too much work, walking is too slow, I'm gonna take up skipping. When people see me coming down the sidewalk, I'm pretty sure they'll make an extra effort to move out of the way.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?