Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH....act your wage!

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   Are you single single or internet single?

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   Facebook needs to add these to the relationship status options: (1) Messing around, (2) Using someone, (3) Afraid to commit, (4) With so-and-so until something better comes along.

   Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!

   has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.