Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   Would delete you, if I didnt have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.

   Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader

   I have decided that I am not overwieght, instead I am a nutritional overachiever.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   Something went wrong. We're working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try again. <--- Facebook's new slogan

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"