Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

   doesn't want to follow you on twitter because you're not going anywhere.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time!

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.

   I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.