Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   We use 300muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   enjoying a nice bottle of vintage DayQuil '09. The texture is like honey, taste like crap with touch of lemon

   Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??

   I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic

   Remember a few years ago when Jamie Foxx said Miley Cyrus would end up on a stripper pole and he had to apologize? I think everyone owes Jamie Foxx an apology.

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   Why is it when I go to McDonalds they ask if I want ketchup and they give me one packet for for my large fries. I go to Taco Bell they ask if I want hot sauce and I get sixteen packets for two tacos.

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.