Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   All I need right now is a hug, and five hundred thousand dollars in cash