Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.

   Click like if you think it's a pain in the @ss when livejasmin pops up and disturbs in the middle of everything

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   for all those who are taken, almost taken, taken for granted, waiting to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously!! Happy Valentinesday!!

   Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"