Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why does it seem like Toys 'R Us just threw up in my living room???

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   some people come to Facebook just to air out their "dirty laundry", others just don't know how to clean it.

   If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   isn't it funny that when your internet goes down, your computer becomes completely uninteresting anymore? ........and you actually wanna go out and have a life?

   Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words

   Dear news people, stop trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull, you are all sounding like idiots, just call it The Volcano, is way easier...

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

   I never understood why guys always have their hands down their pants. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my bra. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   Facebook was down for a couple of hours today. Yep. Nine months from now, there's going to be a lot of babies born.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   No coffee no workee.