Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   joined a nudist colony last week........the first few days were the hardest!

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to 'like' them.

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status