Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL"

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"

   Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

   Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?

   The true art of procastination is picking the correct task to put off that will eventually not need to be done anymore.

   If love is a game..where can I buy the multiplayer-version?

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!