Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   If twitter went away, would anyone care?

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   it's a status....not your diary...

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....