Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.