Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   read that Toyota is asking all Prius owners to return cars to the dealerships as slowly as they possibly can.

   If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Some guy in the NBA came out as gay. Let’s all talk about this irrelevant sh*t for a week now.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.