Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   It's normal for kids to play 'doctor.' Start worrying if you find them playing 'airport security.'

   I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   "Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   hoorah to navy seal team 6 for taking out public enemy #1. any chance we can send these guys after whoever is setting the gas prices?

   Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

   Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.

   After I was born the Doctor had to slap my ass to get me breathing, I was so pissed after that I didn't speak to anyone for almost two years

   Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. "Weiner-Holder in 2012."

   do me a favor if someone tells you they don't like me , tell them I don't like them either.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.