Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay

   OK England, we will see your wedding and raise you a funeral.

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

   Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?