Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

   Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.

   would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole

   According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you

   looks like Bin Laden's episode of Cribs didn't go that well

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.