Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   *<]:{ > Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don't get it backwards like you did last year [:p

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   thinking that if you have to advertise that you are a princess across your ass, odds are you are probably not

   Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives

   The awkward moment when one of your friends has the same facebook status as you...Damn this page.. they are onto me!

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you

   looks like Bin Laden's episode of Cribs didn't go that well

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.