Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..

   Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   *<]:{ > Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don't get it backwards like you did last year [:p

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   thinking that if you have to advertise that you are a princess across your ass, odds are you are probably not

   There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   The awkward moment when one of your friends has the same facebook status as you...Damn this page.. they are onto me!