Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   this a political message board or a status site ?

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.