Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.

   I feel like a dirty NASCAR driver removing the restrictor plate on my shower head!

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Al Qaeda has a new leader, may a new round of hide and seek begin

   That's the second un-manly thing you did today...

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   The Mayans were really talking about page #2012...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I just called bullsh!t but it went straight to voicemail.

   Ladies: When a guy adds you on FB, it means he just wants to be your friend not your HUSBAND, that's why it's called a friend request not a Proposal!

   your acceptance of what is about to happen isn't required, but I have this axe and I already dug a hole, so.....

   9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me to pull the trigger. The 10th one says RELOAD!

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   Hates when he gets really comfortable in bed just to relize he left the over head light on and the switch is all the way across the room