Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don't stare.. Unless you're wearing sunglasses.

   Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.

   I notice there aren't any BLM, Antifa, or any other social justice protesters out helping Irma victims! Just Trump, Christian's, & FEMA

   Will the real Slim Shady please shut up, please shut up....

   BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Hernandez out indefinitely with neck injury.

   Hey Hillary, How does it feel like to be aborted 5 days before delivery?

   A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

   When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches.

   that a thesaurus in your pocket?,, Or are you just ebullient to see me?

   One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes.

   1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   Just want to wish all my beautiful Facebook friends a Happy New Year. And for all those who get offended by my posts. I hope you die in 2014

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   Dear Loreal, your hair coloring products get rid of my gray hair and your cosmetics make me look younger, but tell me what you were thinking when you came up with this self-tanning lotion that makes your skin orange?

   A stripper just got mad at me for saying godd@mmit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   Anyone know about how much Santa weighs ... I am currently setting a trap and need some info.

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"