Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   If you ever find yourself thinking...man I really need to go out and buy myself a Clay Aiken cd...please delete me as a Facebook friend

   Am I the only one that when somebody says "10 years ago", thinks about 90's instead of 2002?

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   ever noticed on sponge bob that krusty crab is in bikini bottom...?

   it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

   To my Family & Friends. There were probably many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today I just wanted to tell you. Suck it up cupcake! There are NO CHANGES plan

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   going to McDonald's for a salad like going to a brothel for a hug....