Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒Fidel Castro ✔Hugo Chavez - Not good timesr for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   Dennis rodman is the Jane Fonda of this generation

   Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?

   Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

   Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...