Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

   The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.