Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   omg I just found out I'm allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!

   Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..

   Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I'm in 3rd.

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   No matter how many times I watch Titanic I'm 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...