Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   Mondays! Pro: Start of a fresh new week! Con: It's still Monday!

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   wondering how wealthy rappers stay so angry

   Never look back unless you're planning to go that way

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.

   My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

   Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.

   ___________________/\_____________\0/_______'' Help Shark''

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.