Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never mess up an apology with an excuse!

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.

   If you're a size 0 we shouldn't be able to see you.

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   Instead of cashiers saying "here's your receipt" they should say "will you throw this away for me?"

   Damn!! My internet is running slower than a turtle with 3 broken legs and a massive head injuty--doesn't it know that I am a FB addict?

   I saw a sign on the lawn in front of a 7-11 the other day, It read "Stay off the grass". I thought it was a weird place for a "Say no to drugs" message.

   Who really cares if Melania plagiarized .... She is not even running for office! But that other lady in a pantsuit who exposed and compromised US National Security, Deleted CLASSIFIED emails and investigated by the FBI .... IS running for President.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   If they play Adele "Set fire to the rain" one more time I'm gonna have too set fire to a radio station..

   My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

   Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard

   Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.

   I wonder if aliens ask each other. Do you believe in HUMANS?!

   Everyone deserves one free kill in life.

   I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her handbag, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.

   Today I will be happier than a bird with a French Fry...

   Have you ever looked at your best friend and asked, "How the f*** are we not comedians?"

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.