Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.  -Alice in Wonderland-

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   anyone else as shocked as I am that a relationship between a cage fighter named Tito and the world's most famous porn star ended with domestic assault and accusations of drug abuse?

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   ... Wireless world. Defense technology. Alternative fuel vehicles. Computers. Lasers. Animal cloning. Fiber optics. DNA testing. Biometrics. But the dang scanners at Target never work. What's up with that?

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Don't worry, during the Apocalypse the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..

   has seized the day and dragging it back to bed with her. :)

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

   there should be an International STFU Day. One day that you can tell anyone who's annoying you to just SHUT THE F**K Up! Without consequence.

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.