Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Check under the hood, dumbass.” – The Clitoris

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck...

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   If I really lived every day like it's my last, I would have diabetes and multiple STD's.

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   You can say anything about the Amish on Facebook, there not going to see it.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.

   I'm pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people's fights.

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.

   I think my middle fingers have had too much caffeine… they have been up all Morning

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.