Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Bruce Jenner has barely admitted to transitioning to be a female and has already begun to drive as bad as one.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   This Country is at War!........with itself!!!

   It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight.",

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   Whenever a friend shows me a picture of their boyfriend who's unattractive & they say "he's a keeper" I'm thinking, "yeah in the basement"

   Tough times don't last but tough people do. -Macho man Randy Savage

   My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

   One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.