Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new weight loss plan: eating pasta and then antipasta.

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Murphy's Law 2013: The McDonald's is always on the opposite side of the street from the direction in which you're travelling.

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   It's Friday night and you're sitting at home on Facebook? HAHAHAHAHAHA same

   The only thing more ridiculous than Lindsay Lohan's antics, are those who are obsessed with them.

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   so they asked Paula Deen if she ever said the "N" word.....i dont think she's ever used "nonfat"

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.