Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   silence is golden but duck tape is silver

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   does find it very funny that on the news they have immigrants who want to vote Tory !! just like turkeys voting for christmas ... they might aswell vote BNP !! buy hey , at least they won`t have to pay a higher tax rate !!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   hey vegitarians...my food poops on your food!

   that you shouldn't base your life on what other people think!

   "In Super Mario, as in life, its Game Over when you get the girl!!!"

   Halloween is coming ... and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   menstruation.menopause.mental breakdowns...ever notice how all womens problems begin with men?

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   In my office there's a light switch that doesn't do anything... Every so often, I turn it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Stop that!"

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   issuing a warning ,Red Bull will not give you wings

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...