Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's change the name of the Republicans and Democrats to DUMB & DUMBER.....

   A teacher asks ”wot part of the body goes to heaven first?”A child replies”feet- coz every nite I c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   not a Russian spy; regardless of what the news says!

   have I told you lately that I love you....? No? thats because I can't handle your miserable, twisted, soul destroying face anymore! Oh and by the way....I'm telling someone else I love them while you pack!

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Try telling that to a heart attack victim.

   its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.

   If a tree falls in a ocean does it not make potato chips?!?! yeah I'm drunk

   people saymotivation doesnt last.well,neither does bathing-thats why we recommend it daily.

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...

   so glad he can't get anyone pregnant from poking all these lovely ladies on fb...he hopes! O.o

   Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Dracula you pansies!!!!

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   the only thing that keeps water from being a ho is the 2

   walked past the fridge last night and thought she heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song but when she opened the fridge door it was just chives talking.

   My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)