Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is the lime in your Corona!

   If people lived like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure everyone would be at church right now

   If blow jobs were this popular 25 years ago. I might not be here today

   Just met the girl of my dreams and then I woke up

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   Not to doubt the power of fortune cookies, but I think a better fortune would of been you are about to choke on this cookie

   Hillary Clinton being a good mom asked Chelsea the day before her wedding if she had sex with Marc. Chelsea said "NO" according to dad!!

   I am having an out of money experience.

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   ...Couple who said they had pix of John Stamos w/underage girl in hot tub were indicted for extortion. Turns out the "girl" was Justin Bieber!

   16yr-old Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen says her bff is her vibrator. In creepier news, Justin Bieber says he won't leave home w/o his buttplug!

   Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, b*tch, wh*re?”

   ...Playboy launches work-friendly website. Still be nude girls but on every other page will be a naked pic of Hef to reduce workers' erections.

   ... Julianne Hough thought bf Ryan Seacrest was gay! I was so looking forward to the day when he said, “Seacrest Out…Of The Closet!”

   ...Bob Barker says he made “Price Is Right” exciting & Drew Carey doesn't. After telling this to TMZ, he quietly soiled his diapers.

   ...Ellen DeGeneres has left “American Idol.” Oh great, she quits the show where she DOESN'T dance like a retard.

   ...Snooki arrested at Jersey Shore for disorderly conduct. Cops let her go probably due to her strong resemblance to a donut... I'm just sayin'.

   Artist makes portrait of Rachael Ray using Cheetos. Unfortunately, a ravenous Oprah devoured the entire thing while visiting the set.

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.