Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.

   Life is too short to wake up with regrets.So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, and if it changes your life, let it. Enjoy life: you only have one!

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came back from the store with the list she gave me and now she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.

   She fell asleep and as usual, I cleaned my balls with a baby wipe for nothing.

   doesn't know whether last night's muchness wrapped up all the partying of 2010 or kickstarted another crazy year of fun fun FUN!

   We can all say "Happy New Year" , but don't forget those who lost their homes and loved ones today due to the tornadoes; I am sure its not a very Happy New Year for some. So for me, I am just thankful for what I still have today.

   My new years resolution is act like I am interested in your new years resolution

   May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.

   they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf

   dont ask me about anything thats about to happen last year

   Here's hoping Justin Beiber's balls drop along with the New Year's one.

   sounds like plasticmortal got to have their very first beer... f new years eve...

   New Years Eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early. I just hope I'll be sober enought to drive from work to the bar.

   If you don't know your drinking LIMIT, please DON'T GO OUT!! No need to get all drunk and act like a bada$$. Hey, i'm just trying to help you out.

   Happy easter and have a fantastic1982 from all at the alzheimers society ! See you next week at the bonfire and dont forget your swimsuit! X.

   So for everyone planning on drinking and then driving tonight- Do me a favor please. Go full speed, no seatbelt, and hit the first pole, tree or wall you see. Kill yourself, not an innocent child or someone who doesnt need to drink to have a good

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole "your/you're" thing...