Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.

   says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

   so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

   Alabama maybe 49th in unenployment and 4th in crime but we are #1 in college football. Go SEC.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

   I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.

   Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   If you want someone to know that you think you're cooler than them, pretend like you don't remember their name.

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   My TV remote control is kicking my butt at hide and seek

   According to the Jersey Shore in order for me to become a successful Italian-American woman I must first nationally televise myself having sex with multipal men, drink alcohol like H20 and swear like Lisa Lampanelli. Where the FU*K can I get a contract!?

   Cheer leaders will live forever, Zombies only eat brains.