Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.

   Facebook is probably the most efficient way of telling as many people as possible that you're lonely. ツ

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   Lance Armstrong uses performance enhancing drugs to win races... I use performance enhancing drugs to write Posts... Should we be penalized?

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!

   The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   Not going to see the new Hansel & Gretel. However, in keeping with the spirit of those who get excited over this type of thing, I'm leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go so I can find my way home.

   Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

   if the college you went to has a tv commercial, you didnt go to college

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   my power is going through red lights and looking hot enough to not get pulled over