Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored,,

   I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.

   If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes

   Chinese Take-Out $18.97....Gas money to go pick it up $10.00...getting home and realizing they forgot one of your cartons.......RICELESS

   Someday, I'll be as rich as the Clinton's were when they said they were broke.

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   Driving to Starbucks without having had coffee first, driving while impaired. Same thing really.

   Costco Because married people deserve to go on dates too.

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   Pro Tip.... No Man has ever won a game of "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"

   Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,

   A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.