Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs

   (true story) The neighbor guy stop over to thank me. Every time I'm outside grilling and take my shirt off his wife jumps up and runs outside to "mow the lawn" I thought it was weird that she mowed it twice a week.

   I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college."

   They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?

   My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.

   Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.

   All females have 50 screenshoted quotes ready for when the sh*t goes down..

   The Los Angeles City Council has approved an increase in the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. In a related story, all L.A. McDonald’s are replacing their Dollar Menu with a TEN-Dollar Menu.

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.

   I call my car the "pu$$y wagon" because that's where I go to cry

   L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.