Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   "He has it all and doesn't even realize it", I whisper, glaring at the guy working at Dunkin Donuts.

   Hey Baltimore, eat a Snickers. You get all Ferguson when you're hungry.

   Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

   In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."

   Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!

   Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.

   Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt

   The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep.

   My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about how childish I am but she didn't know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in

   I can only Facebook for so long. The toilet seat makes my legs go numb.

   My daily goal is to change the world one status at a time. (Sigh) this is how single I am.

   Be careful who you bend over backwards for. Some people will just kick you in the nuts.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   People are worried about global warming and social security when the real crisis is that we aren't far from eldery drivers knowing how to text.

   I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.