Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like Eric Cantor was defeated by some Brat.

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   My relationship status went from being "single" to "still single"

   I'm pretty sure the cause of all divorces can be traced back to marriage.

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.

   Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   When did old skanks become cougars?

   20 years ago today the famous OJ Simpson white Bronco chase. As you know he would later be found not guilty in a Calafornia court of murder...Ironically.... He wakes up this morning in JAIL !!! Gotta love Karma!!!

   Make the best out of a bad situation by ignoring it.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.