Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   Baby I'm a troublemaker, I heard that you're a heartbreaker.

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   Speak English or get off here.... (for below)

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   I don't mean to brag but I own several shirts with Dragons on them.

   "I DEMAND... A TRIAL BY COMBAT" "sir it's just a parking ticket, I..."

   "I hate fake people," Danny announced as he pushed the store mannequin over and kicked it in the torso.

   After many rewrites, the Bible lost all stories of Jesus' little known brother Carl. Carl could turn wine into water. No one liked Carl.

   You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

   Casey Kasem is one of the "Top 40" adults missing in America.

   Casey Kasem: Coming to a milk carton near you.

   There are 2 types of clowns: registered & unregistered sex offenders

   Somewhere, right now, someone is getting something you wanted, but couldn't get, and they didn't try, or even want it.

   Could someone introduce Beiber to Casey Kasem?