Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.

   Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   "Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you want to start a movie this late?" years old.

   If woman ruled the world there would be no wars.....just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

   I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster

   A blind man walked into a bar. And into a chair...and into a table...and into a wall...

   How psychiatrists can't be a serial killer when they describe them so well?!

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   Hi. You haven't seen me much lately. I have a new boyfriend. The one from before who I caught with another girl. But I took him back. So there, h8ers!

   This status is brought to you by the makers of Fug detergent. If Duz won't do it and Rinso won't rinse it, Fug it.

   To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that