Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll be glad when the people on the funny side of the world wake up

   Watched girls gone wild last night...okay it was store security video during black Friday but still...

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote, I do not understand the correlation.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   When someone throws a drink in my face I just open my mouth so we both win.

   Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

   I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.

   Hi, I'm the new Milkman,,,,,,,Would you like it in the front or back?

   what did Micahel Jackson Love about twenty five year olds........there was 20 of em

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all

   I've given up trying to kill you for lent, enjoy your life for the next 38 days.

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   If there ever is a Zombie Apocalypse I am heading straight for Costco ..they have Walls, Food and Supplies for Years and best of all... Zombies can't get in without a Costco Membership Card.

   I do marathons (on Netflix).

   My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   I'm going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.