Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There once was a man from Salem. Who liked to break wind and inhale them... Then he'd burp with delight, a despicable sight. But you wouldn't need a blood hound to trail him...

   I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   Dear Mother Nature: Get off the Vortex aleready.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   Justin Bieber got arrested. His Blood levels showed Alcohol, Marijuana, and large amounts of Flintstones Chewable vitamins.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   I’m going to Hell. Anybody want anything?

   Why isn’t the movie ‘What Women Want’ just 90 minutes of Ryan Gosling doing an ab workout on a pile of Nutella and money?

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.

   there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   Excuse me but my Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open right now.

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpie's!