Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   A new poll shows that if the election was held today Mitt Romney would win against President Obama. Well after this healthcare debacle Anthony Weiner could win against Obama

   If all mankind descended from Adam and Eve who only had two sons like the bible says, then it means we are all products of incest which according to the same bible is major sin.

   If this God wanted to impress me with his miracles, he would've impregnanted Joseph and not a poor, unwed teenage girl. That sh|t happens everyday.

   the reason it's called the deadlift is because the bloke who came up with it died.

   Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....

   [insert status unrelated to Sylvia Browne foreseeing her death here]

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   Seem we are experiencing an Atheist Appocolypse ... maybe we need to start stabbing knives in their skulls

   Your heart will always try to trick you into believing you can love only one. The truth is you can love many. Because love is everywhere.

   I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.

   I go from love to restraining order in one marriage.

   Ever have a dream you just want to write down so you can turn it into a movie? An island with dinosaurs, and a T-Rex. A T-REX!!!!!

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are like Clark Kent and Superman, you never see them both in the same place. . .

   I'm thinking about having children. Does anyone have a good recipe?

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.