Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...

   My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

   Bowing to pressure from the NFL has announced that the Washington Redskins will change their name to the Redskins. They said the name "Washington" made them feel lowdown and slimy

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.

   Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Back in my day we also drank underage, we just weren't stupid enough to take photos of our illegal actions and then display them for all to see..

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.

   Miley Cyrus is actually doing a pretty good job distracting all of us from her pretty awful music.

   Comment on people’s Instagram food pictures with “Funny how your body will convert all this into poop”.

   The lions in the den Daniel from the bible was thrown into was the first documented sighting of vegetarians.

   Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.

   If you hand me a flyer in the streets there's 100% chance that I'll make a jet and aim it at the next bin. And miss.

   Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.