Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.

   When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   I think Miley's tongue is trying to escape...

   I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!

   A sitcom after all the years away from television proves again that Michael J Fox is one of the true movers and shakers of entertainment.

   Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally

   I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. -ad

   Death defying. Pffftt. This is my 21,205th consecutive day of defying death.

   "No" - Old Irish Proverb

   If guys could get pregnant there would be an abortion clinic on every corner and plan B would come in variety flavor packs

   Why would canada discontinue pennies?? That country doesnt make cents

   Taking a deep breath and counting to ten helps me not do that, if you're wondering.. that's the same thing meatloaf won't do. . .

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.

   How come a regular order of fries is now about 6 potatoes but a ketchup packet still only holds 1/100oz??

   Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.

   Tell me what else annoys you and I'll do that too.

   A lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets is impossible. The good freaks wouldn't limit it to a bed. I'll take the freak everywhere

   The wife put dishwasher tablets on the shopping list. Damn, if I'd known that's what it took I'd bought her the pills sooner