Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   People without jobs are so like...It's Friday?

   My wife and I were married by a Judge. I now wish I would have asked for a Jury.

   How long until Al Sharpton protests shark week for lack of Great Black shark coverage

   Chris brown had a stroke..... - Rihanna

   Sweatin' like a Catholic Priest at a Little League game.

   Current emotion: I need money.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   I'm not even sure how many problems I have...because math is one of them..

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love. Take me all the way.

   Sorry babe, I just can't justify you going to expensive beauty salons after I just found this guy on Craigslist offering women free facials.

   Nice try Nicholas Cage, but I'll still watch movies.

   Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.